How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same