I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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