The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
