Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
