Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
