my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
