Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
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I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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