so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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