I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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