How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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