Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He did a backflip because drugs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
