remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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