i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
