why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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