someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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