My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
