Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont even know how to be here
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
