He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
