I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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