its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
