I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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