Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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