I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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