Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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