Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
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i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...