Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.