I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
