mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
