a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
