Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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