Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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