Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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