Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
