We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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