i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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