last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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