I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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