i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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