This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize