I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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