kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
