Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
