I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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