Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
