i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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