I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
