Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
