i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
