Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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