so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
