I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
