It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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