she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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