I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
