Already got asked if we're dating
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
