I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
